Calm, Cool and Committed

Three Moms and a Dude

The Real Reason(s) Why People Stay Married, Molar Mother

on March 27, 2013
 Why don’t people get divorced, Molar Mother? I think the real question is, why do people choose to stay married, even when things get tough?
Dating

Dating

About 11 years ago (right before my hubby and I were about to get married), I remember being bombarded with the grim statistics of divorce. Constantly people and the media were talking about the epidemic of rising divorce rates, so much so that it made it seem like lasting marriages were becoming a thing of the past. I have no idea what the statistics are today, but now I don’t hear about the epidemic of divorce…ever, really. Maybe it’s because it’s less common (but probably not), or maybe because it’s more accepted (more likely the case).

Engaged

Engaged

Whatever the reason, it seems like more people around me are staying married, even when they are unhappy. This, Molar Mother and I agree on. What we don’t agree about it is why people choose to stay married and whether or not they should. Although some stay together because they are afraid to be alone, I do not believe this is the core reason people avoid divorce. And, I resent the notion that because me and most of my friends are in our 30′s(ish) and have children, we would be terrified of never finding anyone else, if divorced.

So, why do I think people stay married? Seriously, the reasons are endless.

-Commitment, people!

When you make a commitment, you should honor it, unless any or all family members are in danger. Unhappiness is not a reason to divorce. Life, marriage, relationships in general…they all ebb and flow. You made a vow to stick by your spouse through the good and bad times, remember???

Married

Married

-Love.

Just because a person is unhappy, doesn’t mean love doesn’t still exist. The root of the unhappiness could be stress, a busy schedule, a personal issue not related to the spouse in the relationship, not enough communication and/or not enough time together or, dare I say, not enough sex (Don’t laugh; this is a serious issue, people!)! Which leads me to the next one…

-SEX (I know; how dare I talk about this! Signal bright, red cheeks!)!

Seriously, sometimes it’s just that good. The bond that it creates cannot be undone. And great sex between a husband and wife can help to heal a relationship (Says Dr. Mea…). The closeness that it creates between two people cannot accurately be put into words. And a little bit of advice from me: men, if she’s not coming back for more, maybe you should reassess your strategy and/or do some research!

-Memories.

Unhappiness doesn’t necessarily mean the relationship is over. Deep inside, cherished memories still exist and these memories can be strong enough to hold on to hopes for the future.

Just the 3 of us...

Just the 3 of us…

-Faith.

For some, the idea of divorce simply goes against every fiber of their being. And to break the bond that God created is simply unthinkable.

-Fear of Embarrassment.

There are people who would never divorce, simply because of what their friends and family might think about them…as well as what they would think about themselves. The shame divorce would make them feel about their seeming failure is unthinkable for some.

-Children.

Let’s face it; divorce is painful and costly for all parties involved, but the influence it has on children is profound. In a lot of cases, divorce is not a better option.

-Money.

Lack of money prevents some from divorcing; yet for others, the security of having plenty keeps them with their spouse, even if they are unhappy. Money, especially these days, is a source of security. Right or wrong, it’s true.

Memories

Memories

-The Past and/or Present.

Especially for the younger generation, some never get divorced because they never married in the first place. For whatever reason (finances, unexpected pregnancy, age, fear of commitment, restrictive laws…), they remain with their partner, without a formal or socially accepted showing of commitment. But, for some, living through their parents’ divorce was too scarring and for that reason, the idea of entering into the territory of marriage and possibly divorce is just too daunting.

In addition to these, I think there are plenty of other reasons people stay together. But, I think these are the big ones. To simply say that people should get divorced if they are unhappy is taking the easy way out. Also, saying people won’t divorce because they are too afraid to be alone is archaic and narrow-minded, Molar Mother. Heck, if any of my friends were to divorce, I guarantee someone would snatch them up in an instant. Because being with any of my strong, ladyfriends not only is a privilege, but each and every one (including you, Molar Mother) is a serious catch!

The 4 of us...I wouldn't trade any of our moments...good or bad...for the world!

The 4 of us…I wouldn’t trade any of our moments…good or bad…for the world!

Sent from my iPhone

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12 responses to “The Real Reason(s) Why People Stay Married, Molar Mother

  1. Matt says:

    I’m still thinking about your other points, but getting divorced because you’re unhappy isn’t archaic–staying married despite being unhappy is.

    • Mea says:

      I was responding to her point about staying together because you are afraid of being lonely…the idea that a divorced woman with children will stay alone is archaic, I think.

    • Mea says:

      But, I do have unhappiness lumped into that statement (I just reread), and I see your point. 🙂

    • Mea says:

      But, I think divorcing solely because you are unhappy is taking the easy way out.

      Thanks for getting me thinking, Matt!

  2. Molar Mother says:

    Mea, I never said people wouldn’t be snatched up — but that’s how married people feel. They think they can’t find someone, even though that’s completely untrue.

    A lot of your reasons are terrible reasons to stay married (for lack of a better word). Really? You should stay married for the sex? And money? If my spouse is using me for my income, we have problems. The memories issue is scary. Many women stay in abusive relationships, remembering what they’re spouse USED to be like.

    Children see what is happening in their patents relationship, and they use it as a model of their own. I sure don’t want my son to stay married to a bad woman because he’s embarrassed about divorce. Do you?

    • Mea says:

      Molar mother. I’m not saying I agree with all of the reasons. I’m saying loneliness is not the core, or even the most prevalent issue. What I am saying is married people do not feel the way your post describes…are there some, sure. But, none of my friends would be afraid of loneliness.

      • Mea says:

        And, the problem with your post is that it’s way too narrow and assuming.

      • Molar Mother says:

        If people who had, say, money issues at the core of their reasons for staying in a marriage knew they would be able to remarry and be financially comfortable… they would probably do it. But they’re afraid to be alone and struggle.

        Really, many of your reasons support mine. People don’t want to be alone and without sex. People don’t want to be alone without the person they once loved. People don’t want to be alone raising kids…

      • Mea says:

        And this is the root of our disagreement. I just don’t think that is the case for most people.

  3. Jeanette says:

    These 2 posts made me think of a quote I once heard (cant remember where? “The Speech Song” maybe? Anyway..the quote : “Passion fades so you better have something to back it up” This to me is completely true. While you still may have passion in a marriage, its most definitely not the same as when 2 people 1st get together. My husband and I still have passionate moments in our marriage but, lets be honest, the moments come and go. Reality and everyday life come into play. My opinion is that too many people expect married to be as exciting and intense as when you first are together. I think that when this does “fade” many people don’t want to put in the effort and realize that maybe this isn’t the relationship you thought it was. In my opinion the core of a good marriage is friendship. My husband is my best friend, we constantly talk, and not only “how was your day ?blah blah” we talk about everything. I call him on my way to work and talk to him the whole way home. Maybe this is considered weird or obsessive but its not out of obligation, its because we completely enjoy each other. How many people are in marriages where they barely even speak to each other? I think if you have a great friendship with your spouse, you in turn have a good marriage. Too many people base relationships on good sex and intense passion. Don’t get me wrong, good sex is important but I think if you have a great friendship with your spouse you will have amazing sex and good communication. Good communication trickles down and helps all aspects of a marriage. But, passion does fade whether you want to admit it or not and when those butterflies go away and the giddy excitement of a relationship are not a constant, you really had better have something else to back it up.

    • Mea says:

      Love this, sis! Thanks for reading and commenting! You are right about the passion, too. It comes and goes but love is always there!

    • Molar Mother says:

      Jeanette– you’re absolutely right. And I think this is a good reason people should date for a while before getting married, that way you know if there’s anything there past the passion.

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