Calm, Cool and Committed

Three Moms and a Dude

The Real Reason(s) Why People Stay Married, Molar Mother

 Why don’t people get divorced, Molar Mother? I think the real question is, why do people choose to stay married, even when things get tough?
Dating

Dating

About 11 years ago (right before my hubby and I were about to get married), I remember being bombarded with the grim statistics of divorce. Constantly people and the media were talking about the epidemic of rising divorce rates, so much so that it made it seem like lasting marriages were becoming a thing of the past. I have no idea what the statistics are today, but now I don’t hear about the epidemic of divorce…ever, really. Maybe it’s because it’s less common (but probably not), or maybe because it’s more accepted (more likely the case).

Engaged

Engaged

Whatever the reason, it seems like more people around me are staying married, even when they are unhappy. This, Molar Mother and I agree on. What we don’t agree about it is why people choose to stay married and whether or not they should. Although some stay together because they are afraid to be alone, I do not believe this is the core reason people avoid divorce. And, I resent the notion that because me and most of my friends are in our 30′s(ish) and have children, we would be terrified of never finding anyone else, if divorced.

So, why do I think people stay married? Seriously, the reasons are endless.

-Commitment, people!

When you make a commitment, you should honor it, unless any or all family members are in danger. Unhappiness is not a reason to divorce. Life, marriage, relationships in general…they all ebb and flow. You made a vow to stick by your spouse through the good and bad times, remember???

Married

Married

-Love.

Just because a person is unhappy, doesn’t mean love doesn’t still exist. The root of the unhappiness could be stress, a busy schedule, a personal issue not related to the spouse in the relationship, not enough communication and/or not enough time together or, dare I say, not enough sex (Don’t laugh; this is a serious issue, people!)! Which leads me to the next one…

-SEX (I know; how dare I talk about this! Signal bright, red cheeks!)!

Seriously, sometimes it’s just that good. The bond that it creates cannot be undone. And great sex between a husband and wife can help to heal a relationship (Says Dr. Mea…). The closeness that it creates between two people cannot accurately be put into words. And a little bit of advice from me: men, if she’s not coming back for more, maybe you should reassess your strategy and/or do some research!

-Memories.

Unhappiness doesn’t necessarily mean the relationship is over. Deep inside, cherished memories still exist and these memories can be strong enough to hold on to hopes for the future.

Just the 3 of us...

Just the 3 of us…

-Faith.

For some, the idea of divorce simply goes against every fiber of their being. And to break the bond that God created is simply unthinkable.

-Fear of Embarrassment.

There are people who would never divorce, simply because of what their friends and family might think about them…as well as what they would think about themselves. The shame divorce would make them feel about their seeming failure is unthinkable for some.

-Children.

Let’s face it; divorce is painful and costly for all parties involved, but the influence it has on children is profound. In a lot of cases, divorce is not a better option.

-Money.

Lack of money prevents some from divorcing; yet for others, the security of having plenty keeps them with their spouse, even if they are unhappy. Money, especially these days, is a source of security. Right or wrong, it’s true.

Memories

Memories

-The Past and/or Present.

Especially for the younger generation, some never get divorced because they never married in the first place. For whatever reason (finances, unexpected pregnancy, age, fear of commitment, restrictive laws…), they remain with their partner, without a formal or socially accepted showing of commitment. But, for some, living through their parents’ divorce was too scarring and for that reason, the idea of entering into the territory of marriage and possibly divorce is just too daunting.

In addition to these, I think there are plenty of other reasons people stay together. But, I think these are the big ones. To simply say that people should get divorced if they are unhappy is taking the easy way out. Also, saying people won’t divorce because they are too afraid to be alone is archaic and narrow-minded, Molar Mother. Heck, if any of my friends were to divorce, I guarantee someone would snatch them up in an instant. Because being with any of my strong, ladyfriends not only is a privilege, but each and every one (including you, Molar Mother) is a serious catch!

The 4 of us...I wouldn't trade any of our moments...good or bad...for the world!

The 4 of us…I wouldn’t trade any of our moments…good or bad…for the world!

Sent from my iPhone

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Why Won’t You Get Divorced?

There’s a five to seven year window after college when a girl’s life is filled with weddings. Whole summers are spent hopping from beach to mountain to lake, catching bouquets and walking down aisles.

That window closes for a year or two, and then another one opens. That window is filled with unhappy marriages.

I’m old enough now that my summers aren’t spent shopping for crystal pitchers that will be stored in attics with dusty Christmas decorations. And while a few baby showers have taken the place of bridal ones, not every marriage is turning up baby bonnets and roses.

More than a few of my friends are in relationships where one or both parties isn’t happy. Even though one or two of those couples have divorced, the majority stay married. Which leaves one question: Why?

I’m going to posit an answer to the why question. I believe one of the main reasons people stay in unhappy marriages is because they don’t want to be alone. They’re worried that they’re going to be a divorcee (possibly with kids) who can’t find another relationship. It was hard enough being single and 22. How much harder is divorced at 30+?

I’m not saying this from a high horse. I remember a previous relationship that had me disliking and distrusting my partner. For a while I thought he could change, but when I realized that might never happen, I told my family, “I think I’m going to break up with Stewbie.” And then I stayed with him for seven more months until he broke up with me?

Why did I stay with him?  Because I was now out of college, my dating pool had drastically been cut, I had invested a long time in him, I didn’t want to go to weddings stag…  You might see those reasons as silly or stupid or lacking self-esteem, but in my head they were big, very big reasons.  I was scared that if this relationship didn’t work out, no relationship would come along in its place.

Fear.

Just like I know what it’s like to be afraid of what the end of a relationship means, I also know that it is better to be single than to be unhappy.  And I know that the only thing preventing you from finding a better relationship is the bad one you’re in.

So why won’t you get divorced?

Divorce

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Talk to me…

To avoid “killing” each other, my tweener and I have been working on our communication lately. Woohoo!

Hail, eating...her fave!

Hail, eating…her fave!

This is what we’ve learned:

1) Always look each other in the white of the eyes when talking. That means no yelling from floor to floor.

(We live in a tri-level, crap! Oh well, more exercise for both of us, I guess.).

2) Leave the conversation if you become angry, because the frontal lobe of your brain is about to shut down completely.

(So, next time I’m angry, I’m leaving the house! Kids and husband, you’re on your own; mom’s taking a mini vacation! I’ll be back when my brain reboots!).

3) Revisit the conversation later and without emotion or judgment and discuss what each of you could have done better. Then, come to some type of compromise.

(I don’t see how this is possible…ever…my middle name is emotion.).

4) Apologize without explanation or justification of your actions, and ask for forgiveness. Then, walk away. Don’t say anything else unless the other person wants to talk or respond.

(Okay, this one I can do! Well…that is…unless the apology is followed by your tweener saying she has to forgive you, “because who else is going to feed me.” Yep, I’m the meal cart.).

5) Eat a snack, especially after a long day.

(I have noooooo problem with this one! I could eat all day and night…no joke!)!

The first week we put this into action, it turned out great and things have been better overall between us. But, this week, we have both been tired, busy, stressed and emotional, making it difficult to accomplish any type of civil conversation.

Honestly, I think I just need chocolate and a nap…a really, really, long nap.

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We Got the Liebster Award!

THE LIEBSTER BLOG AWARD

(Some of this text is copied from the award giver, because that’s how this award rolls, folks!)

Recently, Calm, Cool and Committed received the very cool, very fun Liebster Blog Award. We got the award from the equally cool and fun writer Katie Kenyhercz.

The Liebster Award is given to up and coming bloggers who have less than 200 followers. The word liebster is derived from German and roughly translates to sweetest, kindest, nicest, dearest, beloved, lovely, kind, pleasant, valued, cute, endearing, and welcome. (We did say it roughly translates.)

Here are the rules for receiving the award:

1. Each person must post 11 things about themselves.

2. Answer the questions the tagger previously answered.

3. Choose 11 people and link them in your post.

4. Go to their page and tell them.

5. Remember, no tag backs!

Eleven things about us:

1. We all work in the same school, but not in the same building.

2. The four of us have never all sat down together.

3. One of our frequent topics of discussion is pregnancy.

4. There has never been a time where we all agreed on a topic.

5. Molar Mother and Mea almost always disagree, but still maintain a friendship.

6. TheDude has been MIA for a while now (on our blog), because he’s in grad school.

7. All but one of us are English teachers, but you’d never know.

8. We work with students in need.

9. 3 of us live in the ‘burbs, and 1 of us lives in the sticks.

10. We are all married and in the process of growing our families.

11. None of us missed the sarcasm gene.

Eleven questions about me and our answers:

1. Beach or mountain holiday?

MM – Beach!

Mea – Both!

TheDude – Beach

MF – Mountain

2. Where in the family do you come?

MM – I’m the baby. Which means the coolest.

Mea – I’m the oldest, most responsible and favorite child of 4!

TheDude – Youngest

MF – Oldest

3. Dog or cat person?

MM – I have three furbabies. You might call them cats, but I call them furbabies.

Mea – I love wild and zoo animals, as opposed to pets that depend on me to take care of them.

TheDude – Both. The cat is our firstborn, but our pups get the most attention.

MF – To play with and have fun – dogs. To own – cats.

4. What’s your favorite season and why?

MMSpring. It’s when everything comes alive again, and everything feels so much happier.

Mea – Summer! No stress, unlimited time with my kiddos (and family and friends), swimming, camping, beach, Vitamin D, the warmth of the sun, exercise, long days, yummy food, my birthday, my and my hubby’s anniversary…I could go on and on!!!

TheDude – I love photography in the fall, and I’m most comfortable in jeans and sweaters.

MF – Autumn. Everyone is outside trying to get their last big dose of Vitamin D before being cooped up for months. Also, I love not having to wear either a coat or sunblock!

5. What’s the last book you read?

MM – I finished Divergent over the weekend. I enjoyed it, but didn’t like the brand of morality it’s championing. I’m now reading The Twelve Tribes of Hattie, but I think I’m going to stop and move on. It’s not enjoyable to me.

Mea – My busy 2-year-old son and 12-year-old (going on 17) daughter leave me with little time to read. But, I “recently” finished Mockingjay from the Hunger Games series (I know, I’m a little behind!), and I am currently attempting to read Proof of Heaven: The Neurosurgeon’s Journey Into the Afterlife by Eben Alexander, M.D. and One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp.

TheDude- 100 Years of Solitude Not the best book I’ve ever read.

MF – Favorite Wife & Codetalker. The first was about a polygamous cult. The second was about a Navajo code talker from WWII.

6. What’s the last movie you watched?

MM – When I was home sick this week, I watched A Bride for Christmas. It was cute!

Mea – The last movie I watched was with my tweener. I believe the title was From Prada to Nada. Can you guess whose turn it was to choose??

TheDude – The Dark Knight Rises. Amazing.

MF – El Orfanato. Awesome movie with a heart-wrenching twist.

7. What’s your favorite weather and why?

MM – I love a nice, slightly breezy 72 degrees. You can go outside in shorts but you don’t end up all sweaty.

Mea – 85-90 degrees and sunny with a slight breeze and absolutely no humidity! Ahhhhhh…take me away!

TheDude- 65-70 degrees. Jeans and light sweater. Awesome.

MF – Night time on the boardwalk weather. Lightweight sweatshirt and shorts. Or, early morning in the woods – cool and damp but not cold or windy.

8. What would you like to be written on your tombstone?

MM – Lived to be 25,043 years old.

Mea – I do not want a tombstone; a marker will suffice. I’d like my ashes to be scattered somewhere beautiful and close to my family.

TheDude – He loved God, and he loved his wife.

MF – The Hopi Prayer:
Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not
there,
I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the
diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight
On the ripened grain.
I am
the gentle Autumn’s rain.
When you awaken in the morning hush,
I am the
swift uplifting rush
of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars
that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not
there.
I did not die.
My Spirit is still alive…

OK, that’s long.
Maybe just the last four lines.

9. How would you like to be remembered?

MM – I’m not sure exactly how yet, but I want to have changed the world in some way.

Mea – I’d like to be remembered as a mom, wife, daughter, sister and friend who could never be replaced.

TheDude – I’d like to be remembered as someone who made people feel loved. Still workin’ on that.

MF – As an inspiring matriarch.

10. When and why was the last time you giggled uncontrollably?

MM – I cannot remember exactly what happened, but my husband and I recently were in stitches over something. I think we were making fun of something. Hmmmm, what was it?

Mea – When I was with my best friend, Naomi, we were renaming her kids for some reason. I can’t remember why it was so funny, but neither of us could stop laughing! Perhaps our utter exhaustion was also a factor.

TheDude – My giggles are always controlled.

MF – My toddler told me that his daddy had whiskers on his puppy belly. (giggling again)

11. What’s your favorite photo on display?

MM – Bud’s daycare sent home a Christmas picture of him. He’s so happy in it and his feet and arms are a blur because he was so excited when the picture was taken.

Mea – There’s no one picture I can choose! I have favorite pictures of my husband and me, my family and friends, from different stages of my life that are all on display in my living room or at work! Every time I look at them, they make me smile!

TheDude – There is a picture I took which hangs in our office. It’s of a Peruvian family sitting in the doorway of their crooked house. I had the picture printed , but then I lost the negative. This one print is all I have left.

MF – The photo of Daddy-O kneeling on the dock where he proposed to me, kissing my pregnant belly.

Here are the bloggers that we are awarding the Liebster Award to. Visit them at their blogs and congratulate them!

Really Cranky Dad

Fourtuitous

New Old Fashion Vintage

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