Calm, Cool and Committed

Three Moms and a Dude

Between Here and Heaven

on July 26, 2012

Death is horrible. Could anyone really challenge this? It steals time with our loved ones, leaves family with haunting thoughts of regret and is absolutely, 100% final. But, I was raised in a strong Christian family where we believed heaven was the absolute paradise. And I wholeheartedly believed and found comfort in this, until recently.


The last several years have been a whirlwind. My husband and I had a devastating miscarriage, all of my grandparents have now passed, and my husband broke his back, in addition to several family trips to the emergency room. Let me just say that we were waiting for our luck to change.

The trip to the ER that changed my view of heaven the most, however, was my own. I was nursing my son in the middle of the night and all of the sudden felt like I couldn’t hold onto him anymore. I yelled hysterically to my husband, and he immediately took our son out of my weakening arms. From there, I experienced increasing and eventually almost crippling vertigo (and all the pleasant side-effects accompanying it). I could barely stand, couldn’t focus my eyes on anything, couldn’t think and really struggled to communicate, so we rushed to the emergency room.

While we were waiting for the many test results, the only thing that kept me semi-comfortable was closing my eyes and trying to shut everything out. Anxiety set in, I began to fear all of the horrible things that could be wrong with me, and then I saw it…darkness, nothingness, a deep void, an endless black hole. It horrified me, and then I heard the faint voices of my family. The thought of being separated from them was unbearable, and it shook me to my core. One month later, my husband nearly escaped death when he broke his back and threw 2 large lung clots.

Gone are the thoughts of paradise. I now hate and fear death…on a daily basis.

Although these fears eased slowly as my husband healed and my vertigo eased, my grandfather’s recent passing awoke my uncertainty about what really happens after death.

I see 2 options:

1- Heaven is a paradise where we meet God and reunite with our family.

2- Heaven is a completely fabricated idea designed to ease our fears about death.

I couldn’t shake the second, intellectual possibility, so I decided to share the inner conflict with my husband. In less than 5 minutes, he managed to completely put me at ease. He shared that he believes in heaven, and I shared my experience with “the darkness” and how this caused me to question my faith. Then, he shared that other people have said they experienced the same darkness before they saw the light of heaven. A “darkness” between here and heaven?? I had never heard of this for some reason. And, whether or not what he told me is true, it instantly restored my faith! Does death still bother me? Yes. But, the anxiety seems to have vanished. The darkness between here and heaven is now just a stepping stone to what I always believed existed.


Heaven and the afterlife are always controversial topics. Feel free to leave your own thoughts and experiences in the comments!



6 responses to “Between Here and Heaven

  1. Emily W. says:

    I think being a parent has made the thought of death (mine or that of my family) an even scarier prospect. I can’t even think about flying in an airplane without slightly hyperventilating! Whether heaven is real or not, it is comforting to believe in a place that you can spend eternity with the people you love most.

    • Mea says:

      Em, that is so true! The thought of being seperated from them for any reason is unbearable!
      Thanks for sharing! Miss you!

  2. Naomi Atkins says:

    I believe it exists as well! If you would like to read some “intellectual” thoughts on heaven, try Randy Alcorn’s book “Heaven.” (I am not able to italicize 🙂 He is an excellent author and theologian and answers all of those deep, theoretical questions that I have! 🙂

  3. Mindy says:

    I’m so glad you shared this. I had a similar experience after my husband had his head injury a few summers ago. I felt like I has post traumatic stress disorder! He healed 100%, however I felt that at any moment he could be taken from me forever! I still panic a bit on the rare occasion when he leaves the house with both our girls. If something happened to all 3 at once… I can’t even imagine!

    • Mea says:

      I’m so glad someone can relate! PTSD goes through my mind all the time. Now I know it’s not just me and my crazy mind making things up!

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